Questions Nobody Asks Me

So, who the hell are you?
I’m Gary and I’ll be your waiter this evening.

What do you do?
Many things.  Walk, talk, and overthrow small governments for the CIA in my spare time.

Are you a writer?
I try to be.  I do, from time to time, use words to communicate things that aren’t true.  I haven’t had any of my creative work published yet, so I can’t yet be considered a writer.  I’m someone who writes.  Often poorly and sometimes downright terribly. 

I thought you’d be better looking.
Me too.

When’s the last time you Wang Chunged?
Despite popular belief, I have never Wang Chunged.  In fact, I seriously doubt the validity of the Wang Chung.  Does anyone really know what it is?  I doubt it.

Tell us something about yourself.
I’m currently wearing different colored socks.

Why?
Because my left foot was happier in blue.

Are your kids really named Matilda and Gertrude?
Do I know you?  Why would I tell you that?  No.  They are named after relatives.

What’s you’re favorite book?
To this day it’s “There’s a Monster at the End of this Book” starring Grover.  If I had to pick an “adult” book, I’d say “Breakfast of Champions” by Kurt Vonnegut.  But the Grover book rules.

How old are you?
I’m approaching last day.

What’s your wife’s name?
My wife is so stunningly beautiful that merely knowing her name would send you into therapy for years.  Otherwise, for her privacy and so she can deny knowing me, she doesn’t have a name.

What's a stunningly beautiful woman doing with a geek like you?
I'm not sure.  But I'm really glad she is.

Is that your real hair?
Yes.  Unfortunately.

Why Science Fiction Twin?
It’s from an Elvis Costello song.

Why Elvis Costello?
Because he’s talented and I like him.  He may like me too, if he gave me half a chance.

I hear you worked for a dot com.
Yes. Two, in fact.  They both went under.  I had a good time working for one.  I had a miserable time working for another.  They were both led by dim-witted, egocentric morons who are now destroying the lives of others.  I wish them luck.

Did you get rich?
They promised me money.  I never got it.  I don’t care. 

Is it true that you don’t have any friends?
I have a few.  Most of them live in other cities.

Can I be your friend?
No.  But you can send me money.