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Posts for the date of Thursday, October 31, 2002
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posted by Gary O'Brien at 9:00 AM |
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Well, today is Halloween. Woo hoo! Except, as a diabetic, it’s the worst holiday in the world for me. There’s candy everywhere. And I look at each delicious Snickers bar and convert it to how bad my blood sugar will be after I eat it.
Sure, I try to will my blood sugar down. “If only I can have an insulin reaction, I can eat that!” Well, if there’s one thing I’ve learned, Insulin isn’t telepathic. It just doesn’t work.
I was diagnosed with diabetes 21 years ago, when I was eight. I got sick over Halloween (still can’t stand the smell of pumpkins) and was in the hospital being treated and learning about the disease over Thanksgiving.
I learned a lot about the disease and realized that my life as a kid was over. Halloween was definitely out. I figured I wouldn’t go trick or treating. Naturally, I had nearly a year to change my mind. And I did. I don’t remember what I was dressed as, but it was probably something stupid. It wasn’t until sixth grade that I went as Eddie Van Halen. So I was probably something simple like a baseball player or a Sandinista Rebel. I do remember that my friend Mike was a cat burglar that year. Dressed in all black with a mask, he was jumping out and scaring the crap out of everyone.
His house was the highlight of the neighborhood. His parents had installed loud speakers on their roof for some reason (we found a good use for them in High School, though the police felt they could be used in a more productive way). Mike’s dad used to play a creepy Halloween sound-effects record, making the whole neighborhood frightening with shrieking, moaning and rattling chains. All the kids loved it. Most of the neighbors loved it. Mr. Perrin hated it and would always call the police. It was tradition.
When I got home with my loot, my mother and I sat there looking at it. We were both pleased that I was able to enjoy this tradition of childhood but . . . what do you do with seventy pounds of pure Diabetic death?
We thought about it for a while and couldn’t come up with anything. So we dumped it in a plastic pumpkin and put it on the table. The next morning when my sister was dropping off her son for my mom to watch, it dawned on me. As she reached for a succulent Snickers bar I blurted out, “It’ll cost you a nickel!” And she paid!
It became a tradition. I’d sell my candy every year. A nickel a piece, a dime a handful. For the next several years, I was able to make all my Christmas money off of Halloween candy. No more shopping at Walgreen’s for me! I was able to pick up some quality gifts from Venture.
Now, of course, I have self-control. Candy isn’t the threat it once was. And now I have kids to live vicariously through. Young Matilda will be Harry Potter this year. She’s got a nice Griffindor Quidditch robe, a wand and is using a pair of my old glasses. For some reason she didn’t want to be Hermione. Odd.
Gertrude, who is celebrating her first Halloween and, no doubt, will find it a surreal experience, is going as a baby gorilla. She’s amazingly cute in her outfit. She wore it over to the sitter’s this morning and as soon as I carried her outside half the neighborhood came out to say how cute she is. (Followed shortly by half the neighborhood dads when my wife came out dressed as Britney Spears. She thought it was funny. I suggested going as a school marm. She still went with Britney. The good news is when she told Matilda she was dressing as Britney, Matilda responded, “Ewww.”) I’m not dressing as anything. My yearly dream of dressing as David Byrne from Stop Making Sense was dashed once again. I still cannot find the perfect suit. Matilda suggested I dress as one of our neighbors. But I think it’s too cold out to go as “Shirtless Guy.”
Can you imagine Halloween from a baby’s perspective? It must be horrifying. All these bizarre creatures running around demanding sweets from unsuspecting old couples who are throwing the treats as far as possible from the door screaming, “Back! Back! Get away from my door!”
Maybe that’s just the neighborhood we live in.
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Posts for the date of Wednesday, October 30, 2002
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posted by Gary O'Brien at 3:12 PM |
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Whew! I finally have some time to take a break today. Let me tell you, writing summaries of books on drugs and addictions just really make me want to light up a cigarette, down a couple of beers and follow it all up with some espresso chasers. Anyone want to join the party? Imagine the halitosis that would follow that bender. That could knock over an elephant. Plus, I wouldn’t know if I was depressed and in love with everyone or if I should impulsively clean my house.
Lately I’ve been thinking of my adventures in the Dot Com world that I barely survived. I should really document those stories and share them with the world. The inept management, disgusting use of investor money, Play Boy Bunnies and sockless, sweater-vested bastards, is just too juicy to ignore.
For example, early on at one of my Dot Coms, we got the editorial team together with the Business Development team. We sat down to discuss strategy, development of our sections of the site and how we were going to proceed in building an amazing website that had no chance in hell to ever draw revenue without selling organs on the black market. (Conclusion: we were all idiots because we live in the Midwest. They were all superior because they lived on one of two coasts and did not wear socks.)
We decided to discuss our credentials and were introducing ourselves via conference call.
My introduction went something like this: “I’m Gary O’Brien, the ________ Editor. I spent five years in the publishing industry developing the content of college, medical and nursing textbooks. I have a degree in English, with a minor in creative writing. I’m an award-winning short story writer and have written movie reviews for several publications since 1996. As of right now, I’ve had roughly 300 movie reviews published. I’m a Taurus, enjoy long walks on the beach and frequently protest the treatment of midgets in Hollywood movies. Chicks dig me because I rarely wear underwear and, when I do, it’s usually something unusual.”
Most of my colleagues had similar backgrounds. We had writers with experience in magazines, newspapers, people with degrees in film, former radio personalities, etc. One of our editors had an MFA from Iowa University. In the writer’s world that’s akin to having a Nobel Prize in chemistry or being a Rhodes scholar. Most of us had quite a bit of experience in developing content for websites and were all published authors of one sort or another.
Well, our Coastal friends got to speak. One touted the fact that he was “employee number 11” to which my boss replied, “I’m employee number one.” They had all done something with cable stations and various other entertainment industry businesses. At first, we were all impressed until their ringleader spoke.
“I’m Dippy McDipwap. My career has been long and interesting! I started in the business as a break dancer in the 1984 Olympics opening ceremonies.”
At this point there were muffled giggles. But he went on.
“I was a television stunt man for many years. Maybe you’ve seen my work on Hardcastle & McCormick. I have produced several movies, including (a large blockbuster) . . .” (Note: I checked this out. It was true. He had produced one movie. A movie I had reviewed a few years earlier as a direct to video release. It was horrible. Simply horrible. He was not in anyway involved with this blockbuster, that I could see. In short . . . he was bs-ing us.)
Oh but it goes on!
“I founded XY website on deep sea fishing in California. Oh, and I went on tour with Ray Parker Jr. as a back up singer and dancer.”
At this point the speakerphone was on mute. I was on the floor gasping for air I was laughing so hard. If these were all lies, this guy needed to double-check what he considered cool. If it was the truth, well, it was sad. Just plain sad. He admitted to break dancing for a living. Oh my God. This man needs help.
He finally wrapped it up with a few more exaggerations of his career. His boss got on the phone and lauded his brilliance “in the industry” and how he was an asset to the company (number of business deals he closed in his time with the company: zero. Number of knockdown, drag out arguments I had with him: 10. Number he won: 0). And this staff of coastals worshiped this idiot and assumed we would be impressed by his ability to bust a move and the fact that his brother-in-law as a crappy B-Movie actor.
All of these people were VPs of the company. None of them wore socks. I’m serious. For some reason they viewed socklessness as a sign of their superiority. I viewed it as unhealthy and a breeding ground for fungus.
These people had no concept whatsoever of how a website worked. They assumed that when they wanted a change to the entire database, we could send Tinkerbell out to sprinkle her pixie dust on the servers to make the change. They had no idea the amount of work or time it took to make their “necessary” changes. They had no idea of the hours we put into creating the content they didn’t ever look at.
In the end, we were vindicated, however. They became the laughing stock of the company. They worked for stock options, we worked for salary. I had a check; they now have very thick toilet paper. Oh boy!
When we went bankrupt (it was inevitable, but we all had a blast), I was one of six employees retained throughout the sale of the company. They all did such a thorough job of pissing off the entertainment industry with their stupid ideas and brazenness that they had to explain this two-year mar on their resume. I was able to get a higher paying job based on that resume.
Oh, and when they finally sold the company the one asset they could list? The database that my colleagues, our staffs and the tech team built. In the end, we were what were valuable.
And the sockless bastards turned out to be just that. Sockless bastards.
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Posts for the date of Tuesday, October 29, 2002
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posted by Gary O'Brien at 8:42 AM |
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I guess now I can finally give you the weekend wrap up. I’ll go in order of atomic weight.
1. The (almost) All-O’Brien Trivia Team came out triumphant once again at the MQP Trivia Night. We recovered from last year’s late game bad call and have proven that there are few people in the world that can remember useless crap better than the O’Briens. Someday they’ll have a section where you name a movie based on the opening credits and I’ll win it hands down.
I have to admit that I was disappointed in the amount of science questions. There was one. I was ready this year. I was ready!
2. I helped my brother install DSL at my sister’s house. At one point my sister lovingly puts her hand on my shoulder, looks at me seriously as if she’s about to tell my that I have a tumor and says, “Gary . . . don’t grow a goatee.”
I have to admit that I am trying to grow a goatee. It is something I do every couple of months to ensure that I actually have facial hair. I’ve been particularly heartened lately by my attempts because I’m starting to get what looks like real hair! And it’s almost filled in! And yes! I’m almost 30! Woo hoo!
But, of course, she’s right. I shouldn’t grow a goatee. It doesn’t look right on me. I should grow a soul patch.
3. My brother understood. He replied to my sister, “He’s not growing a goatee! He’s an O’Brien male. He’s just seeing if he can grow a goatee.”
Yes, in O’Brien land it is a rite of passage to see if you can grow facial hair.
4. I’ve been giving the baby cookies lately, much to Mom’s chagrin. Granted, they’re really animal crackers, but Mom’s saying I should slow down. But, I can’t help it. She’s so cute! “Want a cookie,” you ask and she runs to the pantry and waits patiently. Well, this morning it backfired. She had eaten her breakfast and was playing quietly on the floor. Mom was doing her hair and I was eating. I heard a rustling in the kitchen, but didn’t think anything of it. Then out comes toddling the baby with an animal cracker in her hand and a smile on her face. I guess I didn’t close the door tightly. What amazes me is that she knew which bag contained the animal crackers. I’m just glad she didn’t get the cat food.
5. Whose idea was it to put marshmallows in cereal? It seems like a really odd idea.
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Posts for the date of Monday, October 28, 2002
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posted by Gary O'Brien at 12:15 PM |
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I'd love to tell you all about my weekend and how my family trivia team won the big prize this weekend. And also how I drank a pot of coffee in about an hour. But, I don't have time. Work is crushing me! Woo!
In the meantime, go watch this.
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