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Posts for the date of Friday, May 31, 2002
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posted by Gary O'Brien at 7:23 AM |
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What do you do when your baby outsmarts the safety precautions you’ve put in place to ensure that she doesn’t hurt herself?
We spent the weekend covering outlets, padding corners, locking cabinets and placing things that are breakable, chokable and flammable out of her reach. It’s our duty as parents to ensure that Baby Gertrude doesn’t hurt herself. Now, after what she’s done, we fear for the welfare of the planet.
First, it’s important to understand that she is able to pull herself up from a sitting position. Now, this doesn’t seem all that exciting to you because you’ve had this skill for quite some time. You lose it periodically when something like a keg or Jagermeister is involved but, for the most part, you are quite adept at standing up.
Understand that Baby Gertrude is only six months old. From what I understand she isn’t even supposed to be crawling yet. The little wiener is ahead of the curve. Of course, this works out well for me because that also means she’s two months ahead on her training for the first manned mission to Mars.
I mean, this kid is incredible. She’s able to pull a full gee while sleeping!
It all started two weeks ago when we placed her toys in a new set of colorful bins. We were proud of them. Primary colors, short and squat. Completely mobile so that we can move them out to her as needed. Within three minutes of the set up the bins were on top of her, toys everywhere. After hearing the crash and seeing her pinned beneath these plastic bins I expected the obligatory scream to follow. Not so. She had a book and was eating it contently, despite the fact that she was buried underneath seventeen pounds of toys.
But it gets worse. We padded the corners of furniture so that she couldn’t hit her sensitive little noggin as she played. Seems sensible enough. These little rubber corner protectors are soft and malleable so that she’ll bounce right off. They are applied to the wood using NASA-style super-duper strength non-toxic adhesive.
Within one minute she had them off the corners and in her mouth. She moved so quickly and with such precision I had no time to stop her. Oddly, I was sitting next to the scene of the crime when it happened. I swear that she was at lest fifteen feet away from these safety devices.
Maybe she’s telling me something. Perhaps she’s trying to explain that, though I have every parent’s intense desire to protect her from harm that it is inevitable that something will happen. She needs to learn that the Universe may not always be the most conscientious playmate. Sometimes it bites back.
But still, I have to provide her with a safe environment. But, how can I do so when she defeats all possible safety devices? Will I need to provide secondary backups? Even tertiary? What’s a dad to do?
Not that it matters. At six months she’s able to kick my ass.
My wife doesn’t believe that she has super powers. But I know it’s true. Flying isn’t far off. I just hope she uses these powers for the forces of good, not evil.
I’d hate to be the father of the world’s first super villain.
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Posts for the date of Thursday, May 30, 2002
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posted by Gary O'Brien at 7:56 AM |
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I'll be out most of the day at an author meeting. I'm even wearing a tie. But nothing else. It's hot!
Anyway, perhaps I'll post later. Perhaps not. Maybe I'll send telepathic signals to everyone about how to tie your shoes using only one hand. It's a useful skill.
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Posts for the date of Wednesday, May 29, 2002
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posted by Gary O'Brien at 7:47 AM |
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New installment of The Halves and Half Knots up today. You’ll hate it. I do. I don’t know why I wrote it.
This morning I saw a woman driving a town car with white wall tires. Now, when I say white wall tires I don’t mean with a little stripe running around the circumference of the tire. I mean the entire side of the tire was white. And so was the hubcap. And the car. Gleaming white. With shiny chrome and glistening windows.
I can’t help but think, “Why?” The futility of this gesture startles me. First of all, you have an immaculate car. Second of all, you have the world, which likes to lean toward dirtiness and chaos.
Put the two together and . . . what will win? Yep. Chaos.
I’m not a car guy. To me a car is a way to move around without getting my feet wet. It’s an enclosed CD player that allows me to move down the highway quickly, without getting run over. It allows me to be lazy.
Having an immaculate car seems stupid. It’s more work than it needs to be. You can never win. It becomes a museum that no one can soil without punishment of death.
Can you take it on a country drive? No, too much mud. Can’t take it through the city because the sediment in the air will cause it to get dirty. I suppose all you can do is keep this car in your driveway. Wait, nix that, birds will see it as a beacon for target practice.
So what do you do? Clean it every weekend? That doesn’t seem like much fun. And you certainly shouldn’t be able to pay someone to wash your car for you every week. That just seems like a waste of money. Unnecessary extravagance for a vehicle.
So why? Why have a white car?
I have my theory.
This little old woman, who clearly cannot clean this car on her own every week, has a dirty secret. She kills delivery mean with a shovel and then buries them in the basement. Her little old sister, who lives alone with her, cannot live with the knowledge of her sister’s crimes but is fearful of losing her only companion and living alone should she turn her in.
So, every week she goes out and polishes her sister’s car until it shines. So that, on the outside, her gleaming white car is the antitheses of the atrocities hidden with in the heart of this lonely old woman. Her sister’s white car hides the hidden heart of darkness in their home.
Or maybe this little old woman is anal and really likes clean things. She probably throws out her socks after one wear because they’ve been soiled.
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Posts for the date of Tuesday, May 28, 2002
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posted by Gary O'Brien at 7:58 AM |
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My very first installment of The Halves and Half Knots has been added. Read at your own risk.
This weekend was pretty odd. Saturday we spent the day trying on bikes for the wife. Baby Gertrude and school-aged Matilda in tow, Geekfriend as the advisor. We looked, we prodded, we gasped at prices and, after about four hours of shopping, chose one. Then it took us two days to return to said store to actually purchase the bike.
Now the whole family needs helmets, a bike rack and some way to tote the baby on our family rides. Looks like we’re getting a baby trailer. I have officially become a granola Yuppie.
Saturday night I saw Attack of the Clones. And, I admit, I liked it. For what it was. Sure, the dialogue was terrible, the direction awful and the images cluttered. But the portions I liked, I really liked. It was better than The Phantom Menace. But certainly it was no Empire Strikes Back. This whole series is missing a Han Solo.
Lucas has hired some of the best actors of our generation and what does he do with them? Turns them into puppets in front of his purty digital pictures.
Sunday was a family bar-b-que. As usual I was ridiculed for not eating beef. Whatever. When I attend the mass angioplasty to remove all the plaque from arteries, I can laugh. Good burger? Huh? Make fun of my soy, will you?
I befriended my little niece this time. Don’t know how, but there’s no better way of feeling loved than gaining the trust of a one-year-old. We played with the baby and ran around the house. It was fun. She’s a cutie.
Oh, and one of my teen-aged nieces friends described me as being like “Chandler from Friends.” I assume that is a compliment. I have taken it as such. As far as I know, unlike Matthew Perry, I’m not addicted to prescription medication. So, I assume they were referring to my wit.
Other than that, the weekend was pretty much non-eventful. Nothing died, nothing exploded and no one called me a dickhead. So, in the end, I suppose it ended up happy.
And my veggie burgers were quite good. And kind to my stomach, which is in the throes of bad medication for GERD. So, NAH!
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Posts for the date of Monday, May 27, 2002
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posted by Gary O'Brien at 11:20 AM |
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Today marks a new beginning for Confessions of a Geek. We're moving beyond just having a regular blog full of various and sundry messages about the mundanity of my life.
Soon there will be two new sections for your (lack) of enjoyment.
1. The Halves and Half Knots (or Rants, over to your left) will be a collection of societal and political rants. Perhaps you'll agree with them. Probably not. I hope they offend you in some way, but cause you to think about what's going on around you.
2. Part of This Nutritious Breakfast (or Fiction over to your left) is a place where you'll (eventually) find a new character whose story will unfold in random, serialized tidbits. This new character does not have a name yet, but he's slowly finding his identity. His world and self will be created before your eyes.
Anyway, I'm off to buy my wife a bike, my kid a carseat and myself some shorts. The neighbors are starting to complain about me walking around in my underwear.
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Posts for the date of Sunday, May 26, 2002
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