Personal:
Home
Blog
Archives
CD Projects
FAQ
Last.FM
Radio SFT
Creative:
The
Truth
Audio Biography
Contact:
Mail
Roll Call:
Weasel
Trust But Verify
Astral Base
Cartoon Colin
Remmev
Pampered Queer
Fluid Pudding
Daddy, Poppa & Me
Extrasuperfantastic
Geek Press
Boing Boing
Goldenfiddle
Wilco Base
Be My Demon
Podcasts:
The TWIT Network
The Fredcast
The Spokesmen
|
|
Posts for the date of Friday, September 28, 2001
|
posted by Gary O'Brien at 6:40 PM |
permalink |
(0) comments
This is the first in our new weekly feature "Matilda in Famous Scenes from Famous Movies."
Today, Matilda plays Heather Donahue from "The Blair Witch Project."
|
|
|
Posts for the date of Thursday, September 27, 2001
|
posted by Gary O'Brien at 11:54 AM |
permalink |
(0) comments
Oh man am I in trouble. I’ve been warned in the past that living with a pregnant woman (aside: as if anything else in my house would be pregnant . . . except for pauses, of course) was a dangerous endeavor but, they never really told me the extent of that danger. And boy, let me tell you . . . I’m scared.
There are two stories.
1. We tried to watch a movie last night. Our consumption of media has been steadily dropping, and I envision that trend continuing. We’ve been tired without the squirt. I can only imagine how tired we’ll be with an 8-pound baby exclaiming that it needs to be fed, changed or loved RIGHT NOW! He’ll understand that there’s something going on with his bowels but . . . he won’t know how to control it. “Hang on, I don’t know what’s gonna happen but it ain’t gonna be pretty!” That’s what baby cries mean, by the way.
So, we’re watching the movie. It’s an intense movie, dealing with dark issues that my wife probably shouldn’t have been thinking about during gestation, lest we raise the next Marquis De Sade . . . or Marv Albert. It’s a confusing film with many layers and a slow, deliberate pace. I’m watching intently, trying to uncover the mysteries that are far below the surface of the presentation. Don’t bug me now; I’m channeling Roger Ebert.
Meanwhile, my wife is doing back flips on the couch. One position, another. On the floor, in a chair. Standing. Sitting. Rolling. Attempting to levitate. All the while, she’s huffing and puffing, cursing the couch.
”What’s wrong,” I stupidly ask.
“I CAN’T GET COMFORTABLE. I HATE THIS STUPID COUCH AND I CAN’T STAND IT ANYMORE. REMOVE IT FROM MY SITE.” (She no longer has the ability to speak. It’s all force at this point. I mean, I would be too if my intestines had been moved up to my lungs to make room for a wiggly little baby.)
“Do you want me to move? Maybe you’ll be more comfortable if you sit on the whole couch.”
“NO. THAT WON’T HELP. DON’T YOU WANT TO SIT NEXT TO ME? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME?”
“I didn’t say that. I . . . “
”FIRST I CAN’T GET COMFORTABLE. NOW YOU HATE ME. JUST START THE MOVIE.”
I do this. 18 nanoseconds pass.
“I HAVE TO PEE.”
The fact that I have written this down, and am trying to make it funny means I will be eviscerated when I get home. Please understand this and pray for me.
2. We have a horrible habit of not developing film. A few weeks ago we picked up pictures from Halloween . . . 1999. I was Darth Maul. Looked kick ass too. Wifey did the make up.
Because of this inherent flaw in our systems, we’ve decided that we better get a digital camera before Baby Elvis comes along. That way we don’t have to develop the film. We can just load the pictures onto on the computer and ignore them there.
Normally I am the keeper of all electronic material. I may research and purchase on my own. This is my job. I do it well.
Not this time. Wifey joined me in the quest for the ultimate camera. I have endured the eighth level of hell.
Don’t get me wrong. My wife has wonderful taste. She understands electronics and knew exactly what she wanted in a digital camera. She just took all the fun out of it.
Sample conversation at an electronics store:
ME: This one has 3.1 megapixel resolution, plus night vision and it has a bunch of cool color modes.
Wife: For that price, we should be able to get a camera with a better ICES-003 rating.
ME: What?
Wife: It’s too expensive. It doesn’t have all the features we need.
ME: It has night vision!
Wife: Doesn’t matter.
ME: It can photograph people's souls.
Wife: Why would you want that?
ME: It will help with interviewing babysitters.
Wife: It’s not needed. (She waves it off as if it is of the lowest caste in India.)
Sales Guy: It also photographs magnetic fields not visible to the human eye.
Me: SOLD!!!!
Wife: NO!
And on and on. She thought we were actually buying the camera for the purpose of taking pictures. I never intend to take pictures with the damn thing. I just want to show it to my friends and say, “Yeah, well, my camera can take pictures of events that not only have already happened, but that I've long since forgotten and only now I want to remember! It's the regression mode.” That’s the fun in electronics! Functionality and practicality don’t matter. No. It’s the impression factor.
“Holy crap! That’s a cool camera!” That’s all I want to hear. Just as long as they don’t ask how it works. I only understand the camera in concept. I’m an electronics esoteric.
It doesn’t matter. We picked a reasonably priced, high-resolution camera. It’s quite nice and has some interesting, if not pedestrian, features. I’m sure it works wonderfully.
But I’ll have to peer into your soul the old fashioned way. With voodoo.
|
|
|
Posts for the date of Wednesday, September 26, 2001
|
posted by Gary O'Brien at 11:44 AM |
permalink |
(0) comments
Amazon.com: buying info: Hyperspace : A Scientific Odyssey Through Parallel Universes, Time Warps and the Tenth Dimension
Hm. Apparently the three dimensions we’ve been dealing with are only the tip of the iceberg. According to Michio Kaku, there may be as many as ten dimensions. That leaves seven we aren’t aware of. Seven dimensions in which other dimensional beings are doing things we may not approve of. You just think about that mister!
Kaku wrote a book (link above) with an insanely long title. Key words: Hyperspace, Scientific, Parallel Universes, Time Warps, Dimension. Therefore, he is a qualified scientist and we must consider what he has to say.
I don’t know what he has to say because I haven’t read his book.
However, that does not mean I cannot proselytize about the implications of ten dimensions. Being as I don’t understand the three that I’m supposedly aware of, I’m certainly qualified to discuss seven additional incomprehensible concepts. It’s the American way.
But really, what if there are several planes of existence we don’t understand? Suppose there are other beings, other layers, other ideas floating around out there. We can’t feel them, or see them, but they are there. Passing through us. Present when we type, walk, sleep, go to the bathroom. Eew.
So . . . what does this mean? It means we should consider getting a better cleaning service. Though I can vouch for my personal cleanliness, how do I know the Echinoids from the seventh dimension are showering daily? For all I know, they’ve been mistaking my cereal bowl for their toilet and I can’t see their waste because it’s done on a plane of existence I can’t understand! Eew.
But, more importantly, Mr. Kaku’s book contains an explanation of how to escape the collapse of the Universe. Yes! I knew this thing came with a fire escape! I now plan to devote my life to preparing for the collapse of the Universe. Make sure the batteries in your Universal Collapse Detector are fresh. I’ve survived the collapse of a Dot Com, so a collapsing Universe will be a breeze. And, probably better managed.
|
|
|
|
|
